Monday, February 15, 2010

Thoughts on Motherhood

Last night I spent hours and hours reading a mother’s blog. But that is no ordinary blog. The very first entry I read was the birthing story of her 2nd daughter and from that post you can feel every emotion that comes along with it.

- frustration
- fear
- expectancy
- joy
- pain
- happiness

and a lot more.

You see, her 2nd daughter is special (has down syndrome) but the blog is not about down syndrome, it is about a mother’s life and most of all the MOTHER’s LOVE. Love for life, love for her daughters.

Now, reading that blog all night long made me think and re think and wonder if I will ever have the same experience as her, like all the mothers in the world. Conceiving, coming to full term and finally giving birth. I wonder If I’ll ever be able or capable of that mother’s love, that opportunity to love, nurture, care and be responsible for ones life. To be honest I sometimes lose hope.

I turned 37 last week, we’re on our 4th year wedding anniversary this coming April. I stopped consultation with the OB two years ago, I admit it’s financially and emotionally draining and we don’t have much to drain on the financial side.

Sometimes I ask why can’t I just be pregnant like anybody else. Why everything is too hard for me, too hard to lose weight, to hard to conceive, too hard to exercise (walking is the only exercise I am allowed to) and I can’t even seem to find the diets that works for me.

But I am not giving up, along with my prayers and your prayers, I will still give it a try. I am on the hunt for new OB (one that doesn’t charge too much) since last week. I am decided to be checked just before we go to our mission trip next next week.

So please keep on praying for us. It keeps us strong and hopeful.