Wednesday, May 13, 2009

When someone you love lets you down - again

From : A better life
February 14, 2006 - by Dr. John Townsend

Have you ever been disappointed by someone in your life - your spouse, loved one, or friend - not just once, but several times? It could be something as small as them forgetting to bring home a quart of milk. Or it could be as massive as them breaking a vow of faithfulness to you.
However it happens, when we are let down in a loving relationship, it can be a very painful experience. This is because it works against an essential ingredient of life that we all need - hope.

All relationships need hope or the positive anticipation that our connection to this person will be safe, fulfilling, and growth-producing. We envision a bright and loving future with that person. But when there is a pattern of let-downs, the result is that hope deferred makes the heart sick (Prov. 13:12). And over time through many disappointments, hope - and love - can be seriously injured inside us.

One positive aspect of this sort of hurt is that it is a sign that your relationship is still alive. Your care and investment in the person causes you to be vulnerable to their behavior. Though they cause you pain, if you felt nothing it would mean that something has died. So that sort of hurt is a signal to you that this person still matters deeply to you.

If you have experienced being let down in a significant relationship, there are steps you can take that can go a long way to help you and the other person redeem the time and heal the wounds. Let's take a look at them:

Take the beam out of your eye. First, make sure that what you are concerned about is reality. Sometimes we mistake someone's directness for unkindness, or someone's forgetfulness for a lack of love for us. We can also be oversensitive to the imperfections of others or even judge others.

Pray about it and talk to safe and honest friends to make sure you have truly been hurt by an infraction. Ask, "What is my contribution to this?" "Am I seeing things in the light of reality?" Let them see your heart. Talk to the person about what they did that let you down. Don't blame or nag; rather, speak from your hurt and from your vulnerability. Let them see how they affect you when they let you down.

Often this brings out compassion and remorse inside the other person that helps them change. It takes humility and love to have this sort of dialogue instead of anger and fingerpointing. But it has a far better chance of reaching the other person.

Talk about patterns, not single events. Don't let the conversation get sidetracked into an argument about what happened on a particular date. Talk instead about patterns. For example: "It would be no big deal if you yelled at me once, everyone makes mistakes. But this is the third time, and that is a pattern. It's not OK, and I need to have things change." Patterns are a sign of character, so stay focused on patterns.

Ask for specific change. Let the person know in a loving but direct way that you need for something to happen: a promise to call beforehand if they will be late; to take responsibility for gossiping about you and apologize to the parties involved; a commitment to involving you in the family finances so that there is no impropriety. Specific requests get specific responses, and vague requests get nothing, so be clear with your person.

Determine your next move based on their response. After this, if your person responds positively and changes, celebrate and be grateful! You are seeing progress! If not, still keep persevering on the issue. But ultimately, if they refuse to change, you may need to put some limits on the relationship, depending on how severe the situation is.

Forgive. Regardless of how severe the situation and of the person's response, always take the path of forgiveness or canceling the debt they owe you. Forgive each other just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Eph. 4:32) Forgiveness frees you, allows you to move on if you need to, and helps you accept realities that are difficult in grace and in love.

When someone lets you down, though it hurts, it is a signal to get to work on the relationship. Be a redemptive force, and take the first steps to reconciliation.

God bless you.


Hope you are all blessed by this article I found in my file a while ago.Have a good day everyone! I'm off to search some liporexall review and then later make a birthday card for our missionary friend who is celebrating her birthday today, we will give her a surprise party tonight. I know how lonely it can be when you are away from your lovedones especially on occasions like this so we want to make her feel she is loved.


Denise said...

Thanks for blessing me with this post.

Pia said...

first time i read this. thanks for sharing. it's such a blessing.